NOW YOU SEE ME, NOW YOU DON'T (Masking)

Masking is one of the most significant reasons as to why most girls and women, myself included, are either diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder much later in life, or go undiagnosed their whole life. I was diagnosed at 14 years-old, which is actually a fairly early diagnosis, but I believe I would’ve been diagnosed earlier if I didn’t mask so much. Girls with autism mask a lot more than boys, which is why boys on the autism spectrum are often diagnosed very young. I personally find it a bit difficult to explain what masking is to people, but I’m going to do my best to describe how and why I use masking.

Being on the autism spectrum, I’ve always felt left behind, or out of the loop, when it came to interacting with other people. I’ve heard many people describe it as if everyone got a guide to these social skills and I didn’t. It baffled me to hear people respond to each other so confidently. It seemed to me that somehow, everyone just knew what to say and do in response to other people, whether having a friendly conversation or talking to a superior. This is one reason why interacting with people is so stressful for me. I never know what to say, and it can also be hard to pick up on whether someone is joking around or not.

From a very early age, I would study characters in T.V. shows and movies to see how the characters would interact with each other. Kids shows were, and still are, much easier for me to identify the emotions of the characters. I would memorize what the characters would say that made each other happy or laugh, and observe how the worked through different situations. I could connect certain situations in T.V. shows to my own life, like school projects, getting upset with a friend and resolving the conflict, how to react to bullying. I studied the phrases, body language, mannerisms, and emotions of characters that I liked the most. Then I would apply these aspects to my everyday life. Masking is a bit like being “on” all the time, until you can finally be around people who make you feel comfortable enough to not stress about what you should or shouldn’t say or do.

The reason I mask is to blend in with neurotypicals. This is why girls and woman with Asperger’s are considered chameleons. If I blend in, no one will notice how uncomfortably different I am from neurotypicals. I don’t want anyone to see my lack of social skills. By mimicking appealing characters, I will become just as fun and interesting as them to my peers. Unfortunately, I’m not always good at identifying which characters are considered cool or not cool, resulting in me mimicking unpopular characters at times. I would take mental notes on which mannerisms and phrases seemed to work and convince people to be friends with me, and which ones made people upset and mad at me. If you’re thinking about how exhausting masking sounds, you’re right, it is exhausting, but there is great relief that comes along with it. A chance to experience a touch of normalcy.

-KAM