Insomnia seems to run in my family. My parents often express their annoyance with how little sleep they are able to get. I have successfully inherited this trait. People who have either, ADHD, autism, or bipolar disorder, tend to have more trouble sleeping. I’m lucky enough to have ADHD, autism, and bipolar disorder, and it definitely shows in my lack of sleep. From what I’ve been told, I’ve always had trouble sleeping. As a baby, I spent a lot of time being wide awake. I wouldn’t cry or throw tantrums when my parents would try to get me to sleep, but I always wanted to be active. My parents describe me as always being ready to go and wanting to be where the action was. As I got old enough to no longer be restrained by the bars of a crib (AKA baby jail), I would stay up playing pretend by myself and reading. As a teenager, I would usually stay up playing guitar, and end up getting 4-5 hours of sleep. I think I really enjoyed the time of night because I never had to worry about social interaction. It was a relief. I could do what I wanted without worrying about my inability to read other people, and constantly be thinking about fitting in. I had this time to be my authentic self.
Now as a young adult, I have still struggled with getting a solid eight-hour sleep. I tend to get between four and five hours of sleep, if any at all. I have tried every remedy I’ve heard of. Since being diagnosed with bipolar II, my doctors have been much more attentive to the amount of sleep I get, or don’t get. About three years ago, my doctor wanted me to try a very mild sleeping pill. Even though it was very mild, I was still nervous about it because of the stigma around sleeping pills and becoming addicted to them. The sleeping pill I was prescribed was only to be taken as needed, so I rarely took it. When I did take it, it felt like my body was fighting it, which would result in me becoming extremely depressed at night, and usually falling asleep to the contemplation of life and death. I wasn’t anxious about the coming day or events that happened during the day, I was overwhelmed with actual concept of sleep. When I tried making myself tired, I would become irrationally frustrated and angry thinking about having to go to sleep every night. I would think, what’s the point of living if we have to keep going to sleep every night.
I’m still not sure if I was just on medication that didn’t mesh well with my DNA or if I was just trying to make my body do something that it didn’t need to do. I purposefully stopped taking any sleeping pills. Instead, I tried out just listening to my body. I would only start going to sleep when I was actually tired. If I didn’t get tired until 3am, then that is when I would go to sleep. There are definitely days where I get tired much earlier. I have noticed that the more I try to get myself to sleep before I’m even tired, the more depressed I become. I have always been able to wake up feeling rested and ready to go no matter how many hours of sleep I get. So far, letting my body tell me when it needs sleep has been the best decision for me. I’ve been noticeably happier and more motivated throughout the day. Getting only two hours of sleep some days has not affected my work ethic or mood at all, if anything it has improved them. I have been doing a lot more work at night rather than during the day, and it has been amazing. There are less people around, so there aren’t nearly as many distractions. Being able to get excited about my work at night, has made me look forward to the end of the day, which is a big difference from dreading sleep. Many people with hypomania (a symptom of my bipolar), like myself, can function with less sleep than a lot of other people. Is it still insomnia if you just don’t require as much sleep as others? I’m not really sure, but as long as I continue to have a good mood and feel rested throughout the day, I’m going to continue listening to my body when it comes to sleep, and start accepting the fact that I feel best and function better without a sleep schedule.
-KAM
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