*TRIGGER WARNING*
I do talk about SUICIDAL THOUGHTS in this post
For the past few months I have been struggling with finding motivation to write. To be honest, struggling with my mental health lately has made me want to avoid writing about it, because sometimes I just need a break from constantly thinking about my mental health issues. For the past few months, since COVID began, I have been struggling with my most recent diagnosis, which I’m still a bit insecure about. Sometimes it gets annoying, overwhelming, and a little unbelievable when you’re diagnosed with so many things.
In my senior year of high school, I was put on medication for bipolar. Bipolar II to be exact. I would have hypomanic and depressive episodes. I would feel like I hit enlightenment. I would start so many random projects at once. I would rarely sleep. I was lucky if I got three hours of sleep in one night, yet I would still have endless bounds of energy. I was asked many times if I was high even though I never drank or did drugs. I wouldn't be able to slow down physically or mentally. I had to be doing something all the time, even into the early hours of the morning. I would go on hour long car rides and walk around 11pm because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. Sleeping felt like a job. It was annoying and exhausting to even think about slowing down. Sleep felt pointless and unnecessary. I would spend an absurd amount of money on things I didn’t need and really couldn’t afford. My worst hypomanic episode, I spent a little over $3,000 in one day. I was barely making $1,500 a month from work at the time. These episodes would usually last a few weeks to a few months. I would go from these sleepless nights, euphoric feelings, and random shopping sprees, to not wanting to live, having trouble finding a reason to wake up in the morning, and hating who I am and what I’m not. It was more than just saying I hate myself or my life, I truly hated myself as a person, and I could only see my flaws. I would have these thoughts of not wanting to live, but I felt no emotion about it, which scares me because being more careless about life makes me feel more willing to act on my thoughts. I’m very lucky that I have a great support system, and I can make myself ask for help even if I despise the idea of it. I spent my whole high school graduation in my bed feeling hopeless and suicidal.
To be honest, I actually really enjoy being hypomanic. For someone with a lot of anxiety and insecurities, my hypomanic episodes are pretty much the only time I feel confident in doing the things that usually stress me out, like going into stores, or public speaking (…and by public speaking I mean literally just having a conversation with someone). When I was first put on medication for bipolar, at seventeen years old, I told my doctors that I wanted to keep feeling hypomanic. The only problem with being hypomanic is that it’s usually followed by a depressive episode. I have been on the same medication for bipolar for seven years now. I do still have hypomanic and depressive episodes, but they are much less intense than they were before I was medicated. The longest I’ve gone without taking my medication was about four days, which isn’t very long compared to other people who also have bipolar. I really try my best to be consistent with my meds, because they really help with my suicidal thoughts during depressive episodes. Anyone who’s had suicidal thoughts before, knows the discomfort it brings. For me, it feels like I’m crawling out of my skin, like I don’t want to be in my own body. It’s excruciating discomfort in not being able to find a reason to live.
Since the beginning of COVID, my depressive episodes have been much more intense than usual and way more frequent. I really just take it day by day. Sometimes it feels like I just have a harder life to live than some other people, and I wish things were easier for me, but I'm glad that my experiences make me feel more empathetic towards others, and more aware. I still find it hard to talk about bipolar because of the stigma and misconceptions around it. There are plenty of times when I don’t feel hypomanic or depressed, and I can blend in with everyone else. I know the best way to destigmatize it is to share experiences and continue the conversation. There can be some scary things that come with bipolar, but for the most part I feel pretty normal. My highs and lows feel normal, and when they don’t, I know it’s time for me to ask for more help.
-KAM
For anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts, there is help out there and people who care.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
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